After coming out to their friends and family, most people think the hard part is done. They can finally breathe a sigh of relief after years of lies and deceit. And they can finally move forward with their lives without looking back at the pain behind them.
I’m reminded almost every day that this isn’t the case. And more likely than not, it’s my attachment wounding that reminds me.
Attachment is all about how our inner world relates to the social world around us. People react differently in different situations with different people. One classic example is the fight or flight response, which describes how some people will run away from danger, while others run toward it.
In many ways fight and flight is similar to Anxious and Avoidant attachment. While people who lean anxiously attached tend to directly mask their insecurity, people who are avoidant attachment tend to, well, avoid them.
Many queer or questioning people I know lean one way or another, but ultimately we all have a little of each type within us. Much of our attachment wounding relates to the environment we were raised in. People who are questioning their sexuality tend to have much more insecurity as a result of the self-doubt. So they tend to have much deeper attachment wounding.
What does attachment wounding look like? Say you’re at work and someone jokes about your sexuality. Your body may perceive that joke as a threat, and could react by either confronting the person head on or by laughing it off and distancing yourself from them. Or imagine someone comes to you with a serious problem they would like help with. Whereas anxious-leaning people might try to compare the issue with their own, avoidant-leaning people will only help the person if conflict can be avoided.
The goal for us should always be secure attachment. Secure attachment is a profound balance of understand that both you and the people around you are inherently ok. Not perfect, or always beautifully. Just ok.
Healing Work
How can we move closer to the goal of secure attachment? First let’s recognize that this healing takes serious work. It involves undoing many assumptions we carry with us every single day. Without even realizing it, we tell ourselves things like “He isn’t safe” or “I can’t do this alone” or “What if I’m not enough?” These subconscious thoughts are what drive insecurity in the first place, and the goal is to change our lives enough to the point where they can be replaced by more helpful thoughts.
Attachment healing for most people involve identifying these unhelpful thoughts and replacing them with healthier ones. But those that are bicurious and questioning aren’t “most people.” We have our own sticky web of problems. Shame, denial, self-hatred, and self-doubt are just some of the issues that impact us the most. And any healing work that we do must account for these harmful thoughts.
Luckily, there’s a zine for that. The Queer Attachment toolkit is so much more than just about attachment healing for queer and questioning people. It teaches us how to navigate our healing together in a way that lifts each other up. It suggests a “nurturance culture” that promotes accountability and understanding within our community.
But above all it teaches us that individual self-love and understanding is by far the most powerful way to heal collectively.
For more information, download the FREE zine on our Resources tab.