I’ll be honest… I really hate Instagram. Partly because it knows me far better than anyone I’ve ever met in real life (My feed is mostly shirtless guys, travel destinations, and pasta-making). But if I’m being really honest, it’s not so much the app that I hate as much as it is the person I become when I’m on it. Seeing hot, happy, openly gay men infuriate me for some reason; yet at the same time they draw me in. It’s like I keep coming back to them, only to leave feeling worse about myself after every single swipe.
But social media in general is a poor snapshot of anyone’s life, and cannot possibly show you the inner workings of a person. That’s part of the reason I started this community – to remove the distractions and help people focus on the real inner work that we all need to do. But there’s a separation there, and part of what I have to heal from every day is feeling different – even within a community that prides itself on being different.
It’s no secret that toxic gay culture encourages homogenization, and even discourages the diversity and tolerance it preaches. This is most prevalent on apps and social media, but extends to just about every facet of life, from the way we vote, the tone of our voice, or the music we listen to. Look anywhere and you can find judgement, ignorance, and downright bullying within the community. It’s like we’re all a bunch of insecure assholes that can’t see the unique miracle of a person right in front of us. And make no mistake – I’m guilty of all this too.
So these responses aren’t unique, and ironically may be one of the most universal problems among gay and questioning men. But why? Well, I’m sure this question can be answered in a million different ways, with as much diversity as the community itself. But I think a better question is how can we use our uniqueness to fight back and embrace the homos we are over homogenization.
Mere Personality
The American Psychological Association defines personality as “the enduring characteristics and behavior that comprise a person’s unique adjustment to life.” I love this definition because it is comprised of two things: our inherent worldview, along with how it shapes the way we live. We’re not just a bunch of brainless zombies responding to the world around us; we have our own enduring characteristics that are unique to each and every one of us. To me, that is something worth celebrating.
Personality as a field of psychology is surprisingly new – it wasn’t until the late 20th century that psychologists began studying different personality traits. It’s important to note that this timing wasn’t accidental. As society began to differentiate itself more and people began breaking traditional molds, science started to understand the human personality a lot better. Some of these studies were trying to determine relationships with important metrics like success and well-being. Many of these have turned into longitudinal studies that show that personality is not static and actually changes over time.
There are literally dozens of personality tests that people can take. The results are usually pretty cool (if you answer them honestly). But these tests always stress that personality is difficult to put into a box. Saying someone is “totally an ENTP” does not mean they are bound to those specific character traits. It just means that, on the spectrum of possible behavior, they are more prone to choosing those behavioral responses.
Many people are aware of the 16 Myers-Briggs personality, chosen based on four sets of criteria and our unique combination of them. And while personally I agree with my type (INFJ), I can’t say that this is the best system for understanding personality I’ve used. Lesser known is the Big Five personality test, which assesses a person based on where they land on five criteria: Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism.
It’s not a stretch to say that learning about this test was a huge breath of relief for me. Reading about it in David Brooks’ How to Know A Person made me appreciate myself more than I ever had. Mostly because it viewed each personality trait in a non-judgmental way. Introverts aren’t quiet or shy – we are intentional. Creative types aren’t messy or sloppy, we just embrace new ways of thinking and doing things. And that non-judgmental attitude is how everyone should view themselves when doing these tests.
But that’s easier said than done. Closeted and questioning people are some of the people who judge themselves the most. And often they internalize the negative opinions they hear about themselves. But these personality tests and their results can help reinforce the belief that we are special, and that we can be different. And having that belief, in a culture of homogenization and judgement, can be a liberating feeling.
Take Myers-Briggs OR Big Five Personality Test here.
Closing Tips
- Begin a daily journal that helps differentiate between your day to day moods from your enduring personality traits.
- Take Myers-Briggs OR Big Five Personality Test
- Use our FREE worksheet to explore what your personality type means